我写的女皇大学申请书，请大家改正补充下

我写的女皇大学申请书，请大家改正补充下 我感觉你这个申请书就是Personal Statment。写PS有几个原则，第一就是尽量少用I，My等第一人称称谓，用It，This等第三人称，这样在英文行文中更为正式。对了，缩写也不要用。还有，要多说自己，把自己的优点说出来让他们录取你而不是光说这个大学是怎么怎么好。还有，你在说父亲对你的影响时说得太简略了，应该多说一些，比如他怎么影响到了你，不可能只是因为他是工程师而已，孩子的职业选择跟父母不同也有很多。你可以加一些比如小时常去他工作单位玩然后对工程起兴趣了之类的。还有我并不认为你父亲有工厂跟你选择工程专业有很大关系所以我给删掉了。希望你再自己添加一些表现自己的段落吧。
基本上，第一段简要自我介绍；第二段为什么会选择这个专业，同样比较简短；第三段是最重要的陈述自己，说明自己的成绩，学习能力，性格特点，业余爱好（要能表现自己的，比如你喜欢设计点什么东西？），这段千万不要列一堆荣誉之类的，那是放在CV里的；第四段写为什么选择这个学校，师资、文化等也不用太长，因为人家肯定比你清楚，你要让人家感觉你是适合这个学校的。第五段，随便说句谢谢什么的。
现在我弄了第1、2、5段，第3段需要你再添加，第4段我没怎么动……你酌情删一些吧。如果可能的话，找个中介帮忙改改吧，会很不一样的。
貌似皇后大学很不错，Good Luck.
Dear Sir/Madam,
1. My name is XXXXX, and I am currently studying xxx(学科名称) at XXX. Studying
Engineering in Queen's University shall be a valuable experience to me.
2. Being an engineer is what I dreamt of. It is my father who affected my career choice the most.
Shenfei factory, which designs armored cars and aircrafts for Chinese Air Force, employed him as
an engineer for 20 years. (建议这里再加点内容)Accordingly，I decided to start my career as an engineer. To design something can put my name in the history book is what I live for.
3.………………………………………………

4. Compared with other universities, Queen's offers better degrees at training student. They have the best professors prepare for duty. Queen's knows as “Canadian's Princeton". That would probably make me an all rounder! Queen's maybe not be the best, but it is the best for me.
Queen's is also a cosmopolitan school multiple cultures . They all make joint efforts to strive for the beautiful dream! Queen's have a great tradition, as know as their teamwork. People recognize, and even assimilate, the belief that “none of us is as good as all of us.” I would be able to learn certain things which I have no access at the others during my study at Queen's! More importantly, I would be able to make lots of friends and improve myself.
5. I would appreciate if you offer me an opportunity to join in Queen's University.