我在申请香港浸会大学，要求用英文填写赴港就读的理由，自己写了篇，希望能帮忙指正

我在申请香港浸会大学，要求用英文填写赴港就读的理由，自己写了篇，希望能帮忙指正 The main reason I why choose Hong Kong to further my study is that I have been given the permit in principle from the Immigration Department. As we all know, HK is a highly bilingual region that both English and Chinese coexist in daily life. To improve my English proficiency and immerse myself in a more international environment,I consider HK as a good choice for me. HK is also famous for its high-level education. Therefore I want to enter the Hong Kong Baptist University to obtain higher education and pursue unforgettable learning experience.
gammar给你改好了...但..= =" 香港移民局的原则性批准你确定要写进去吗?那好像离题了吧
而且完整一点的应该按照以下approach写:
1. 为甚麼想去香港
2. 为甚麼想去你们学校&这个科系
3. 我未来的发展路向和你们科系发展方向的结合=取录我是明智的选择
个人所见，给你参考吧