求英语小笑话5篇,和英语谜语3篇

笑话是一种经过艺术加工的语言形式,是艺术化的语言，笑话是一种艺术 方法 ，用这种方法造成以笑为艺术手段的文学艺术作品。下面是我整理的英语幽默笑话6篇，欢迎大家阅读!

英语笑话 一：Is he dying

A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy The weeping one said, The doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my life

Cheerfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten

一个男人坐在酒吧里痛哭流泪。一个朋友走进来问他为何如此伤心。那人哭着说：刚才医生告诉我，在我的余生里都要吃这些药片。

他的朋友很轻松地指出，许多人一辈子每天都要吃药。当然，男人回答说：但是他只给了我十片。

英语笑话二：The blonde and the farmer

There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take&n。

一个金发女郎，是那么恶心的**笑话她把头发染成红色。笑话停了下来，她觉得很好，她在农村的一个搭车的星期六下午。而在这旅程，她注意到一群羊，停下车来把。

英语笑话三：太晚了 It's Too Late

A medical student was called on to state how much of a certain drug he would give to a patient He promptly replied: "Five grains"

A minute later the student asked the professor, "May I correct my answer" The professor looked at his watch and said: "It's too late Your patient died thirty seconds ago"

一个医科学生被要求说明他给病人服的那种药的用量。他立即回答道：“五粒。”

一分钟后，这个学生问教授：“我可以改正我的回答吗”教授看看手表，说：“太晚啦，你的病人已在30秒钟以前死了。”

英语笑话四：The Fish Net

Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann

“你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安” 老师发问道。

A lot of little holes tied together with strings replied the little girl

“把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。”小女孩回答道。

英语笑话五：脑移植 A Brain Transplant

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant

"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician"

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price "Is the brain of a politician that much better" he asked

The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it’s not better, just unused"

一个外科医生正要作一个脑移植手术。

“你可以从两个脑子中选一个给你。”医生告诉病人，“一个心理学家的大脑1000美元，一个政治家的大脑10000美元。

病人很惊讶二者之间这样大的差别，“政治家的大脑好一些吗”他问。

医生说：“不是好一些，只是没有用过。”

英语笑话六：最丑的孩子

A woman gets on a bus with her baby The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen"

一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you"

女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”

英语笑话七：我娶了你的姐妹

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home

一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个 万圣节 夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork

当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。

"Who are you" he asked

“你是谁”丈夫问到。

"I'm the Devil!" she responded

“我是魔鬼!”她回答到。

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹!”

20个最好笑的笑话如下：

1、今天我出门走路的时候觉得脚很酸，低头一看，原来是踩到柠檬了。

2、有个老头去看医生，告诉医生他的肠胃有问题。医生问他：“你的大便规律吗？”“很规律，每天早上八点钟准时大便。”“那你还有什麽问题？”“问题是，我每天早上九点钟才起床。”

3、小时候我妈教我用筷子，半天学不会她就打我，现在长大了我教我妈用手机，半天她学不会她还是打我。

4、逛商场要走时门口保安喊我：“等一下，你衣服鼓鼓囊囊的装了什么？”我愤怒地掀起大衣吼：“是肉，是肉！我自己的。”

5、大象：蚂蚁你瞎嚷嚷个啥呀，你以为你家亲戚多就很了不起吗？看把你神气的！你瞧瞧你点的那些菜，也太小家子气了。你还别不爱听，我点的一顿饭就够你们这一大帮家伙吃好几年了。

6、我一朋友去年算命说他今年命犯桃花，会被一个忽然出现的女人伤得很深，昨天他在拐角处被一大妈骑电动车撞了，现在还在医院里躺着。

7、有一次急性肠胃炎去医院，痛的死去活来，我爸来看我，一脸焦急的跟我说，这医院怎么连一个wifi都连不上。

8、今天和老妈去吃酒席，去之前老妈教我，出去嘴要甜一点，说看见别人小孩长得还过去的，就要夸奖人家长得好漂亮，实在看着丑的就夸奖别人长得好高，结果，吃个饭已经有好多人夸我长得高了。

9、隔壁女汉子好像终于意识到找个男盆友的重要性了，因为她的签名改成了：其实想说，有个男朋友还是蛮重要的，至少在家里水管爆裂的时候，可以给我递下扳手

10、老师问一同学怎么减少白色污染？同学答：把饭盒做成蓝色。

11、小企鹅有一天问他奶奶，“奶奶奶奶，我是不是一只企鹅啊？”“是啊，你当然是企鹅。”小企鹅又问爸爸，“爸爸爸爸，我是不是一只企鹅啊？”“是啊，你是企鹅啊，怎么了？”“可是，可是我怎么觉得那么冷呢？”

12、俩屎壳螂讨论福利**，甲说：我要中了大奖就把方圆50里的厕所都买下来，每天吃个够！乙说：你丫太俗了！我要是中了大奖就包一活人，每天吃新鲜的！

13、老家亲戚来北京，一起去高级饭店吃饭要加收15%服务费；服务员服务态度十分好，送水果送银耳羹还送纪念品。亲戚很开心问服务员你们还送什么啊？服务员满脸笑容说：一会我们会送您出去。

14、一个生活小诀窍，教你轻松把沙发变成沙发床：只要忘掉老婆的生日就可以了。

15、老鼠没女朋友特别郁闷，终于一只蝙蝠答应嫁给他，老鼠十分高兴。别人笑他没眼光，老鼠：你们懂什么，她好歹是个空姐。

16、一群蚂蚁爬上了大象的背，但被摇了下来，只有一只蚂蚁死死地抱着大象的脖子不放，下面的蚂蚁大叫：掐死他，掐死他，小样，还他妈反了！

17、班上来了一个插班女生，她自我介绍：“我未必会是最聪明的，我未必会是最美丽的，我未必会是最优秀的，我未必会是最幽默的。”班上同学都称赞她的谦虚，下课后看了她的名字才知道，她叫魏碧慧。

18、电动车在小区被偷了，我怒斥物业：“你们装监控有什么用！”保安弱弱的说：“让…让你看电动车最后一眼？”

19、我有个同事，对羊肉过敏，一吃羊肉脸就肿，所以大家每次吃烤串都带上他，脸肿得越厉害，那家的羊肉越真。

20、我对老公说：“据说两个人在一起久了会有夫妻相，你觉得我们哪儿像？”老公点点头：“胸最像。”

先来谜语吧

1What animal wears big black glasses on its face

什么动物脸上戴个大墨镜？ （Panda 熊猫）

2I'm almost white, but the fur of my ears, eye pits are black I live in the wild forests,I like eating bamboos! Who am I

我几乎是白的，但耳朵、眼窝是黑的。我生活在森林里，喜欢吃竹子。我是谁？ （Panda 熊猫）

3a cat,eyes like a cat,a tail like a cat ,but isn't a cat

眼睛尾巴像只猫,但又不是猫

（Tiger 老虎）

4：What letter is a body of water

谜底是：C(sea)

即字母C,谐音就是“sea”大海，有很多水

5、It is black ,but you say it is clean

It is white ,but you say it is dirty

What is it

blackboard黑板

他是黑的，但是你说它干净。他是白的，你说它脏。这是什么

6、You go to the park ,and people ask you to show me to them

What am I

ticket票

你去公园的时候，被人会让你出示我给他们看。我是什么

7You can't see meI can't see you

When you call,I answer

When I speak,you listen

What is it

phone 电话

你看不见我，我看不见你。当你来电，我回答，当你说话，我听。这是什么

8、Maybe it's in the tree;Maybe it's on the ground

It can fly,itcan sing

What is it

bird鸟

也许他在树里，也许在地上。它会飞，也会唱。他是什么

9、I have forest but no treees ;moutains;no rocks;cities without houses;rivers without water

What am I

map地图

我有森林，但是没有树木。有高山，但是没有岩石。有城市，没有房屋，有河流但是没有谁。我是什么

下面笑话

1

A man called a lawyer and asked, “How much would you charge me to answer three questions” The lawyer said, “$400 dollars!”

And the man said, “That’s a lot of money, isn’t it”

The lawyer said, “I guess so What’s your third question”

有个人打电话给律师，问道：「你回答三个问题的收费是多少钱？」律师回答说：「四百美元。」

这个人说：「这要不少钱，不是吗？」

律师回答说：「我想是吧！你的第三个问题是什么？」

2

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height Or, should I say, his lack of it

One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, Someone just picked my pocket!

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, How could anyone stoop so low

我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴，和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提－－他的身高。或者，我应该说，他是有点矮！

一天，经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入，高声说，“有人拿了我的钱包！”

我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声，但有人却蹦出一句话：“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊

3

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end He sank to the bottom Mary promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office

"Mary, I have good news and bad news The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead"

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry"

Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他们沿着医院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潜到水底，把Jim拉了上来。

当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后，他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室

“Mary，我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，这说明你的意识已经恢复了，你可以出院了。坏消息就是，Jim，你救的那个病人，他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。”

Mary说：“他没有自杀，是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”

4

Dentist: Please stop howling I haven't even touched your tooth yet

Patient: I know, but you are standing on my foot!

牙医：请你不要再喊了！我还没碰你的牙呢。

病人：我知道，可是你正踩着我的脚呀！

5

There was a lady who took a taxi home, and when the taxi driver approached her house she told him to stop, saying, "Okay, here, here is good"

Then she asked the driver, "How much is it" And the driver replied, "Ten dollars"

Then, after searching in her purse for a while, she said, "Could you please go back 500 meters I have only seven dollars on me!"

有一位女士搭计程车回家，当抵达家门口时，她告诉司机：「好，就停在这里。」然后她问：「多少钱？」司机回答：「十块钱。」她翻了翻皮包之后说：「可不可以请你把车子再倒回去五百公尺，因为我只有七块钱！」

6

Help! Doctor! Please come quickly!

"My ten-year-old son has just swallowed a pen!"

"Ok , I'll be right there I'll be there in 10 to 20 minutes"

"Good,butwhat am I supposed to do in the meantime"

"Just use another pen!"

“救命！医生！你赶快来！

我那个十岁的小孩刚刚吞下去一支笔！”

“喔！我马上过去，大概十分钟或二十分钟就会到了！”

“是，不过在在这个中间我该怎么办呢？”

“用其他的笔嘛！”

凌晨四点的科比：“凌晨四点的洛杉矶”，这是科比的自称。科比自从他进nba以来，长期坚持早晨四点起床练球，每天都要投进一千球才算结束。因此，当有记者问科比为什么能那么成功时，科比反问道：“你知道洛杉矶早晨四点的样子吗”记者摇头。“我知道每天洛杉矶早晨四点的样子。”科比说，他的成功完全出于他的勤奋，当大多数人都还在睡梦中时，他已出现在湖人队训练房了。

你想成功吗也许你不想，你只是有点想而已。因为你不愿意每天4点起床为了实现目标而努力，也许你愿意努力但却做不到竭尽全力。看到短片中詹姆斯、韦德、科比、波什和保罗这些超级巨星在训练馆里清晨4点多就开始咬牙切齿的训练，就能明白他们为什么能拿到nba联盟顶薪，为什么他们是总冠军戒指最有力的争夺者。

常言说：台上一分钟，台下十年功。对于nba篮球运动员来说，每天48分钟的比赛是靠n倍的48分钟换来的，一旦踏进赛场，不是赢家就是输家，为了赢球，就要将一个投篮动作做上万次，将折返跑跑到气要断掉，要和队友对抗到汗如雨下。记得有记者问科比：“科比，你为什么如此成功”

科比反问记者：“你知道洛杉矶凌晨4点的样子吗”

记者摇摇头。科比：“我知道每一天凌晨4点洛杉矶的样子。”

英语笑话是现代社会发展最快的一种口头文学体裁,它体现了某一民族行为中最深刻的和潜意识中的观点。我精心收集了，供大家欣赏学习!

：I want a nightmare 真想做个噩梦

Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam"

"Don't trust dreams, dear It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite" Mother replied

"Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said

在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”

“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。

“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。

：When was Rome built

Teacher: When was Rome built Tom: At night Teacher: Who told you that Tom: You did You said Rome wasn't built in a day

：Water your flowers every day

"Flowers need water," said the teacher "Water your flowers every day, or they'lldie"

One morning Mother saw Marry out in the garden and asked, "What are you doing there, Marry"

"Watering flowers," said Marry

"But it is raining now!"

"Oh, it doesn't matter Mum"

“花需要水，” 老师说，“每天给花浇水，否则他们会死掉的”。

一天早上，母亲看到玛丽在花园，就问：“玛丽，你在干吗”

“ 我在给花浇水。”玛丽回答。

“可是在下雨啊!”

“哦，没事妈妈。”

：Don't argue with the children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very all

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible

The little girl said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, sarcastically, "What if Jonah went to Hell"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

一个小女孩和她的老师在说鲸鱼。

老师说，鲸鱼不可能吞了一个人，因为，即使这是一个非常大的哺乳动物，它的喉咙是非常小。

小女孩说，约拿被一条鲸鱼吞噬。

老师恼火的重申鲸鱼不能吞下一个人身体是不可能的。

小女孩说， "好吧，当我到达天堂，我会问约拿" 。

老师问，反讥道： "什么，如果约拿到地狱呢"

小女孩回答说： "那你问他" 。

：A Rithmetic Lesson

A little boy bustled喧闹，忙乱 into a grocery one day with a memorandum便笺 in his hand

″Hello, Mr Smith,″He said, ″I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 33 cents″

″Very good,″ said the grocer, and he noted down the sale

″Anything else, Charlie″

″Yes Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents″

″The loaf And whatelse″

″Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 30 cents″

″That will be a good brand Goon″

″Five pounds of tea at 90 cents, eleven and a half quarts of molasses at 8 cents a pint, two eight-pound hams at 31 cents, and five dozen jars of pickled walnuts核桃 at 34 cents a jar″

The grocer made out the bill

″It's a big order,″ he said ″Did your mother tell you to pay for it″

″My mother,″ said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill, ″has nothing to do with this business It is my arithmetic算术 lesson and I had to get it done somehow″

一天，一个小男孩匆匆忙忙地走进了一家杂货店，手里拿着一张清单。

“史密斯先生，你好，”他说道：“3毛3分钱一磅的咖啡，请给我13磅。”

“好的，”杂货店老板马上把这笔生意记了下来。

“还要别的什么，查理”

“要的。再要27磅糖，9分钱一磅的。”

“面包要不要还要什么”“7磅半咸肉，3毛钱一磅的。”

“这肉是名牌的呢，还有呢”

“9毛钱一磅的茶叶，给我5磅，8分钱一品脱的糖浆要11夸脱半，3毛1分钱一磅的8磅的大火腿要两只，3毛4分钱一罐的腌核桃要5打。”

杂货店老板把账单算了出来。“你买了很多东西，”他说：“你妈妈叫你现在把钱付清吗”

小男孩一面把那清楚准确的账单放进口袋，一面说：“这和我妈没关系，这是我自己的算术作业,我总得想办法把它做出来!”

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