外国恐怖鬼故事两篇

CREEPY STORYfew years ago,a mother and father decided they needed a break,so they wanted to head out for a night on the town

So they called their most trusted babysitter

When the babysitter arrived,the two children were already fast asleep in bed

So the babysitter just got to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children

Later at night,the babysitter got bored and went to watch tv

but she couldn't watch it downstairs because they didnt have cable downstairs

(the parents didn't want the children watching too much garbage)

So she called them and asked them if she could watch cable in the parents' room

Of course the parents said it was ok,

but the babysitter had one final request

She asked if she could cover up the clown satue in their bedroom

with a blanket or cloth,because it made her nervous

The phoneline was silent for a moment,

(and the father who was talking to the babysitter at the time)

saidtake the children and get out of the house

we'll call the policewe don't have a clown statue

the children and the babysitter got murdered by the clown

It turned out to be that the clown was a killer that escaped from jail

If u don't repost this within 5 minutes

the clown will be standing next to your bed at 3:00 am

with a knife in his hand There i said it so the evil clown won't kill meI hate chain letters!!!

蠕动的故事 少量岁月前, 母亲和父亲决定他们需要断裂, 因此他们想朝向夜在镇。 如此他们告诉他们的被信任的保姆。 当保姆到达了, 二个孩子已经是熟睡在床。 如此保姆得到无所事事并且确定一切是好与孩子。 以后在晚上, 保姆得到了乏味和去看电视 但她couldn't 手表它楼下因为他们didnt 有缆绳楼下 (父母didn't 想要孩子观看许多垃圾) 。 如此她叫他们和问他们如果她能观看缆绳在parents' 室。 当然父母说它是好, 但保姆有一个最后的请求。 她问如果她能盖小丑satue 在他们的卧室 与毯子或布料, 因为它使她紧张。 phoneline 一会儿是沈默的, (和与保姆当时谈话) 的父亲 前述take 孩子和离开房子 we'll 电话警察 我们don't 有一个小丑雕像 孩子和保姆得到了由小丑谋杀。 它结果是, 小丑是从监狱逃脱的凶手。 如果u don't repost 这在5 分钟内 小丑站立在您的床旁边在上午3:00 与一把刀子在他的手里。我在那边说它因此邪恶的小丑won't 杀害meI 怨恨链信件!!!

最好多给5分,特意找了篇有意思点的,虽然不是很恐怖Few years ago, a mother and father decided they needed a break, so they wanted to head out for a night on the town

So they called their most trusted babysitter

When the babysitter arrived, the two children were already fast asleep in bed

So the babysitter just got to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children

Later at night, the babysitter got bored and went to watch TV

but the babysitter had one final request

She asked if she could cover up the clown sauté in their bedroom

with a blanket or cloth, because it made her nervous

The phone line was silent for a moment,

(and the father who was talking to the babysitter at the time)

saidtake the children and get out of the house

we'll call the policewe don't have a clown statue

the children and the babysitter got murdered by the clown

It turned out to be that the clown was a killer that escaped from jail

在如今日益千篇一律的生活里，人们的生活节奏越来越快，人们需要感官上的刺激，于是便有了鬼 故事 这种文学消遣。下面我为大家带来外国恐怖 鬼故事 两篇，欢迎大家阅读!

外国恐怖鬼故事：咕咚!咕咚

In downtown New York, at a somewhat trashy apartment, there lived a man named Howard He was a young man, in his mid-twenties, and had a terrible fear of cockroaches Well if you've been to New York, and maybe live or stayed in a rundown hotel, you know how many cockroaches there are Too many to count!

有个人名叫霍华德，住在纽约市区一座卫生状况很糟糕的公寓里面。他很年轻，也就二十四五岁，但是怕蟑螂怕得要死。其实，只要你去过纽约并且在那种很差的小旅馆住过或者呆过一会儿，你就会知道那里到底有多少蟑螂了，简直不计其数!

Howie had just come home from work and was looking for a bit of relaxation All he wanted to do was get a bowl of ice cream, sit down and read the newspaper He started raiding the messy cabinets and sink to look for a bowl and a spoon He found the bowl, got out the ice cream and opened a drawer to get the spoon when, Surprise!! Out jumps a big juicy cockroach After jumping twenty feet in the air and grabbing a spoon out of the drawer, he sat down to calm himself "God forsaken roaches!" he yelled, while slowing his heartbeat, just as another cockroach crawled between his feet " There's got to be something I can do to get rid of them" Just then, as he was getting his ice cream and reading ads in the paper, one specific ad caught his eye "Got Roaches We have a solution! Come down to Sam's Pet Club today and get yourself the natural predator of the roaches, a Gecko!"

有个人名叫霍华德，住在纽约市区一座卫生状况很糟糕的公寓里面。他很年轻，也就二十四五岁，但是怕蟑螂怕得要死。其实，只要你去过纽约并且在那种很差的小旅馆住过或者呆过一会儿，你就会知道那里到底有多少蟑螂了，简直不计其数!有一天霍华德下班刚刚到家，想要放松一下，其实他想做的全部事情也就是吃碗冰淇淋、坐下歇会儿看看今天的报纸。他在又脏又乱的壁橱里面翻腾着，想找个碗和勺子。但是他只找到了碗，于是他把冰淇淋倒进去，然后打开抽屉拿勺子，噢天哪!跳出来一只浑身湿漉漉的大蟑螂，吓得他一蹦有二十尺高。胡乱地抓了一个勺子，他坐下来让自己平静一下。“上帝啊，求你遗弃了这些蟑螂吧!”他大叫着，心怦怦的跳。还没有平静下来，这时另外一只蟑螂又从他两腿之间爬过去。“总会有办法能够解决掉你们的!”他喃喃地说。吃着冰淇淋，他一边看着报上的 广告 ，其中的一则引起了他的注意。“你家有蟑螂吗我们有办法!快来萨姆宠物商店，我们出售蟑螂的天敌——壁虎!”

"What in the world" Howard thought He read on: "That's right! A gecko! Follow the directions below to get your very own live cockroach eliminator! Then ask our friendly staff how to care for and what to do to get rid of your cockroaches" "Ya right That gecko will probably eat me while I sleep" he said as yet another roach scuttled across the floor He felt sick He thought it was worth a try, so the very next day he followed the directions on the ad to the pet store

“这到底是什么呀”霍华德一边想着一边继续往下看，“没错，就是壁虎!跟着下面这个地址，你就能拥有活生生的灭蟑器!我们热情的员工会告诉你该怎样 饲养 这种壁虎，到时你将再也不会受到蟑螂的困扰了。”“天哪，这么一只壁虎都能在我睡觉的时候把我给吃了!”他自言自语道，这时又有一只蟑螂从地板上快速的爬过去，他感到一阵恶心，随即认为值得去尝试一下买只壁虎来，因此第二天马上就按照地址来到了那家宠物商店。

He asked about the geckos and the staff told him what to do with a gecko and how much they were and, soon enough, he was driving home with his very own gecko "Great," he thought "yet another little critter that is going to be loitering around in my house"

他询问了关于壁虎的事情，店员告诉他关于饲养的注意事项以及价格方面的事情，过了没一会儿他就和自己的壁虎开车回家了。“太棒了，”他心里想，“马上就会有另外一种小生物天天在家里溜达了。”

He got home and did just as the woman at the store told him to do, and let the gecko go He saw the gecko run under the refrigerator after the nearest cockroach it saw "Well, at least he is doing his job" he said after he heard the loud "GECKO, GECKO," sound that geckos make when they swallow

他到了家，按照商店女营业员所说的那样把壁虎放了出来。壁虎看见了身旁最近的一只蟑螂后马上就跟着钻到冰箱底下去了，随即他听见一阵很大的声音“咕咚! 咕咚!”，像是壁虎吞下蟑螂的时候发出来的。“好，至少它已经开始工作了。

Days went by, and Howard saw fewer and fewer roaches He didn't like the gecko running around his house all the time, but what's one gecko to a thousand roaches He shrugged it off, and tried to suck it up One thing he did do, however, was close the door before he went to bed But no matter what he did, somehow the lizard always got into his room

日子一天天过去，霍华德家的蟑螂越来越少。其实他并不喜欢壁虎天天在家里跑来跑去的，但是如果不那样的话一只壁虎怎么对付一千只蟑螂呢(但相对于容忍上千只蟑螂来说，一只壁虎又算得了什么呢)他也只有耸耸肩，尽量去适应了。不过有一件事他还是一直坚持做的，那就是每天睡觉前都会关上房门。但是无论他怎样做，壁虎也总是有办法进入他的房间。

One day after work, he was getting some dinner when he saw the gecko chase one of the last cockroaches on the house under the refrigerator He saw the cockroach scurry under it with the gecko far behind struggling to go under That's when Harold realized It was getting bigger That night he did everything he could to keep the Gecko out of his room He fell into a deep sleep

一天下班后他正在吃晚饭，只见壁虎正在冰箱底下追着一只蟑螂，眼下屋子里已经没有多少了。蟑螂急匆匆的从冰箱底下跑过去，壁虎在后面也努力的想要钻过去。这时霍华德才注意到，他的壁虎长大了。那天晚上他想尽了办法才把壁虎挡在房门外，随后就沉沉的睡去了。

All the police found the next morning was a small stain on the bed that looked like blood They searched everywhere in the house for Harold after a worried neighbor heard a slight scream and a haunting "GECKO, GECKO," that morning, but no one could find anything No Harold, No Gecko, No cockroaches, nothing They left that house confused and wondering, never to see Harold again The only place they didn't check was under the bed, where the gecko was - big as ever, and full at last

转天早上，警察在床上只发现了一小块污渍，似乎是血迹。有个邻居早晨隐约听到一声尖叫以及让他印象深刻的“咕咚、咕咚”声后报了警，他们为了找到霍华德于是搜遍了整间屋子，但是什么也没发现。没有霍华德、没有壁虎、没有蟑螂，什么都没有。他们满腹狐疑的离开了，但是从此再也没见到霍华德。只有一个地方他们没有检查，那就是床底下，壁虎其实就在那儿——还是那么大，但是终于吃饱了。

外国恐怖鬼故事：我家的阁楼

We moved in our new house The house has cathedral ceilings up and down, and the only attic space was in the adjoining wall from my son’s room, which is above the kitchen It is about twelve feet long, and its highest point is about five feet, and then it tapers down from the angle of the roof

我们搬进了新房子。房子的天花板就像教堂上尖尖的屋顶一样从中间向边上倾斜，紧邻着我儿子的房间是一间阁楼，也是这所房子里面唯一的一间，位于厨房的上面。这间阁楼差不多有十二尺长，最高的地方有将近五尺，屋顶从尖角的位置向下延伸开来逐渐变得宽阔，就像圆锥那样。

The first thing I noticed that was odd was that it had been nailed shut Not just with a few nails but about twelve long ominous ones…The former occupant was either attempting to stop someone getting in…Or out

第一件让我奇怪的事情是阁楼的门被钉死了，而且不是用的几个小钉子，而是十二根很长的，让人有一种不祥的预感。看起来房子先前的主人是想阻止什么人进去，或是出来…

The house is in a very nice neighborhood with a creek nearby, the mountains nicely within view and a multitude of parks… It was upon the third night that we first heard something out of sorts…A scratching noise above the kitchen I told my wife and son that we must have a trapped animal in the attic space, perhaps a rat Yet, for some unexplainable reason my imagination kept considering a far more sinister prospect Whatever the course I was going to have to investigate…

房子四周的风景很美，附近有一条小溪，几座景色宜人的大山还有很多公园…但是，住进来的第三天晚上我们听到了一些让人不大高兴的声音…厨房上面传来了一阵噼里啪啦的声音。我就和妻子儿子说肯定是阁楼里面关着了什么动物，也许是只老鼠，但是，不知道为什么我的脑海里总是出现一些不祥的预感。究竟是怎么回事呢我打算去看看…

That Saturday my wife went off shoe shopping and left me and my son to attend to a variety of ‘honey do’s” Towards the top of the list was investigating the attic

那个星期六妻子出去逛商店买鞋了，留下我和儿子在家做一大堆的“亲情劳动”，妻子列出了清单，第一件事就是检查一下阁楼里面是什么。

It was the last task I completed that day Finally I could no longer procrastinate, and retrieved my tool box from the garage and, with Jonathan eagerly at my heel we slowly marched upstairs My dog Tasha was as usual also by my side…

但那是我那天做的最后一件事情，最后我实在是不能再耽误了，于是从车库里找来工具箱，缓缓地走上楼去。乔纳森紧紧跟在我后面，我的狗塔莎像往常一样跟在我身旁。

We went into Jonathan’s room and into the corner where the wood panel is nailed into place The angle from the attic continues up in my son’s room, so there is only five- foot height outside the panel

我们进了乔纳森的房间，走到墙角钉着木板的地方。四周并不是竖直的墙壁，屋顶还在继续向外倾斜着，因此钉着木板的地方只有五尺高。

I sighed and set my tool box down, and banged my head in the process This entertained my son but only irritated me further I pulled my hammer from the box and with much effort I eventually pulled out the first nail…It was six inches long The strange thing was after that first nail got out, Tasha started whining and licking my hand…Eventually she was so much of a distraction that I had to ask Jonathan to take her downstairs…

我叹了口气，放下工具箱埋头苦干起来，一不留神脑袋撞在了墙上，儿子觉得很好玩，但是我的火气越来越大。我拿出来锤子，费了九牛二虎之力终于拔出了一根钉子…居然有六寸长，看起来很不错。可是奇怪的事情在我拔出钉子以后发生了，塔莎开始低声呜呜的叫着，并且不断地舔我的手…它搅得我不能专心干活，于是我就让乔纳森把它抱下楼去了。

It must have taken three quarters of an hour to get the first eleven nails out…It was a warm afternoon, and my salty sweat was starting to drip down my forehead and burn my eyes…I was just drying off my eyes when I thought I heard something from inside the space… A rustling noise and the noise however slight, was a noise nonetheless, this could only mean one thing that something was moving in there, just a few feet from where I was now sitting The look on my son’s face was transformed to a bored look, to one of slight fear Perhaps he was somehow in tune to my thoughts, or maybe he could also sense that things were not quiet right with this attic I considered simply nailing the board back into place…Yet part of me could not do that I simply had to know…

我用了差不多45分钟才把前十一根钉子拔出来，那天下午很暖和，汗水从我的前额淌下来流到了眼睛里，我正揉眼睛的时候，觉得听到了什么声音从里面传出来…好像是一阵“沙沙”的声音。那声音很轻，但是却很清晰，离我现在坐的地方几英尺以外的阁楼里一定是有什么东西在动。我儿子脸上无聊的表情消失了，此时看上去似乎有点害怕。也许是他看出了我在想什么，或者他也感觉到了阁楼里面并不是正常情况下的安静无声。我本想简单的再把木板钉回去了事…但是我不愿意那样做，我想要看个究竟…

So I took a deep breath and worked on the last nail As it slipped from the place it had obviously been situated in years, the board came free The first thing that we became aware of was the smell…It reminded me of rotting meat As there were no lights put into the space, I sent Jonathan back down to the garage to retrieve the most powerful flashlight I own…He raced down with the exuberance of a ten year old and was back moments later

我深深地吸了口气，去拔最后一根钉子。当我从墙壁里面把它抽出来的时候，木板掉到了地上，明显能看出来这块板子被钉上去有很多年了。接下来的第一件事就是我们闻到了里面的气味…就好像是一堆烂肉所散发出来的。阁楼里面没有灯，于是我让乔纳森下楼去车库把最亮的手电筒拿来…他以一个十岁孩子最快的速度冲下楼去，不一会儿就回来了。

Jonathan looked at me

乔纳森看着我。

I looked at Jonathan

我也看着他。

"Well," he said, "are you going in or not"

“你真得要进去吗”他问我。

Now surely I could not disappoint the only person who considered me afraid of nothing I edged into the space and fired up the flashlight…I was completely taken aback by the sight that met my eyes…And quickly exited I had noticed three things…a baby’s rattle, an old-fashioned teddy bear and what looked to be a baby…

此刻我决不能让儿子对心目中天不怕地不怕的父亲形象失望，于是我把身子探进去，打开手电筒…看到了里面的情景后我猛然间向后一缩，随即迅速退了出来。我看见三样东西…一个小孩子的玩具，一件老式的玩具熊，还有一个东西好像是个孩子…

As I re-entered the attic, with a more rational mind, and discovered what had appeared to be a baby was only in fact a doll I sent Jonathan to get my camera and we took this photograph I chuckled to myself at how my mind had twisted the situation…We left the door unnailed, just resting against the gaping hole, and continued on with the day We did not think much more of it until that evening whilst we were watching television; we once more heard the noise But this time it was significantly louder

第二次进去的时候我有了心理准备，这时发现那个似乎是孩子的东西其实是个洋娃娃。我让乔纳森去拿照相机来，给这些东西拍了照片。我笑自己怎么会把情况想得那么复杂…随后我们离开了，并没把木板钉回去，而是就立在了洞口的地方。那天接下来的时间就这么过去了，我们都没再想什么，直到晚上看电视的时候我们又听见了那个声音，而且这次的声音明显比以前大了。

That morning, I once again stuck my head in to the attic, and this time I almost screamed…Not from what I saw, but from what I did not see The doll had vanished

转天早上我又把头探进阁楼去看个究竟，当时我几乎尖叫出来…并不是因为我又看见了什么，而是因为我没有看见的东西。昨天的那个洋娃娃不见了。

I quickly nailed up the panel again…And to this day I have never again ventured inside our attic…And yes, on occasion, we still do hear strange noises coming from that space

我赶忙把木板钉了回去…并且至今为止我也没有再进到阁楼里面去…不过，有时我们还能听到那个奇怪的声音从里面传出来。

Was it really just his imagination

难道这是他的灵魂吗

I am not so very sure…I suspect that my attic might hold a sordid past…

我不知道到底是怎么回事…我只是在想，也许阁楼里面当初发生过某件不光彩的事情。

Viborg is a city in Denmark It is an old city, but it has only a few old buildings A great fire destroyed most of the old town in 1726

Mr Anderson was writing a book on the history of Denmark He went to Viborg in 1891He wanted to study the history of the town

He stayed in an old building in Viborg--- The Golden Lion Inn The inn was nearly 350 years old

Anderson asked the land-lord for a large room The landlord of The Golden Lion showed him two rooms--- room number 12 and room number 14 There were three large windows in each room The windows looked onto the street Anderson chose room number12

In the evening, Anderson went downstairs for supper He saw a blackboard The names of all the guests were written on the blackboard Anderson saw that the inn was full There were no empty rooms Anderson noticed that there was no room number 13

Thirteen is an unlucky number Many people do not want to stay in a room with an unlucky number

When Anderson went upstairs to bed, he tried to unlock his door It did not open Then he saw that he had made a mistake It was the wrong room The number on the door was number 13

He heard someone moving inside the room

“I’m very sorry,” he said and went to the door of room number 12

Perhaps the servants sleep in room 13, Anderson thought He decided to ask the landlord about it the next day

Anderson lit the oil-lamp and looked round Room number 12 looked smaller by lamplight Anderson was tired He went to bed

In the morning, Anderson went to the Town Hall He wanted to study the town records Anderson read many very old papers The oldest records were from the sixteenth century

There were some letters from the Bishop of Viborg, dated 1560 The Bishop had owned three or four houses in the city He had rented a house to a man called Nicolas Francken

The townspeople of Viborg did not like Nicolas Francken Some people wrote to the Bishop to say that Francken was a bad man They said that Francken was a magician They wanted Francken to leave the city

The Bishop said that Nicolas Francken had done nothing wrong He did not believe that Francken was a magician

It was time for the Town Hall to close As Anderson was leaving, the town clerk spoke to him

“I see you are reading about the Bishop and Nicolas Francken,” the clerk said “I am interested in them But I do not know where Francken lived Many of the town records were burnt in the great fire of 1726”

Anderson thanked the clerk and went back to The Golden Lion He wanted to ask the landlord about room number13, but the landlord was busy

Anderson went upstairs and stopped outside the door of number 13 He heard someone inside the room The person was walking around and talking in a strange voice

Anderson went to his own room He decided that number 12 was too small He decided to ask the landlord for a large room Also, he was angry because his suitcase was missing It had been ton a table beside the wall Both the table and the suitcase had disappeared Perhaps the landlord had moved the suitcase to a store-room Anderson wanted it back

It was too late to call the landlord Anderson went to the window and lit a cigarette

He looked out of the window There was a tall house on the opposite side of the street The lamp was behind him He saw his shadow on the wall of the house opposite The person in room13 was also standing at the window Anderson saw a second shadow on the wall of the house opposite

This second shadow was strange The person in room 13 was wearing a tall, pointed hat Also, the light from room 13 was red The light was the colour of blood

Anderson opened the window and put his head outside He tried to see the person in the next room He saw the sleeve of a long, white coat---that was all The person in room 13 suddenly moved away from the window The red light went out

Anderson finished his cigarette He left the ashtray on the window ledge Then he turned out the lamp and went to bed

Next morning, the maid brought hot water to the room Anderson woke up and remembered his suitcase

“Where is my suitcase, please” He asked

The maid laughed and pointed The suitcase was on the table beside the wall It was exactly where Anderson had left it

He noticed another strange thing His ashtray was on the middle window-ledge He clearly remembered smoking his cigarette by the end window--- next to number 13

He finished dressing and decided to visit his neighbor in room13 He was surprised when he went to the door of the next room The next room was number 14! Anerson was frightened Was he going mad

After breakfast, he went to the Town Hall and read more of the old papers He found only one more letter from the Bishop about Nicolas Francken A group of towns people had tried to make Francken leave Viborg They had gone to Francken’s house, but Francken had disappeared The Bishop wrote that no one knew where Flancken had gone That was the end of the matter

That evening, Anderson spoke to the landlord of The Golden Lion Inn

“Why is there no room 13 in the inn” he asked

“Many people won’t sleep in a room number 13,” the landlord replied “They say it’s unlucky”

“Then who is in your room number 13” Asked Anderson

“There isn’t a room number 13,” the landlord said “Your room is next to room number 14”

“Of course,” said Anderson “I must have made a mistake Would you like to come up to number 12 for a glass of brandy and a cigar”

“I’d like to very much,” said the landlord

They went upstairs together They went past room number 10 and room 11 to reach number 12

The landlord looked at the inside of number 12

“This room looks very small,” he said

Anderson poured two glasses of brandy Both men lit cigars

Anderson opened the window to let out the smoke There was a red light and a shadow on the wall of the house opposite The light came from number 13 The shadow was dancing wildly, but there was no noise

Anderson sat down to drink his brandy He wanted to tell the landlord about the strange things he had seen Suddenly a terrible noise came from the next room

“Is that a cat” asked Anderson “Or is there a madman in the room next door”

“It’s Mr Jensen,” said the landlord “He often stays in room 14 The poor man must be ill”

A loud knock sounded on the door of Anderson’s room Suddenly a man opened the door and came in

“Please stop that terrible noise,” the man said

“Mr Jensen” The landlord said “We thought you were making the noise!”

The three men looked at each other for a moment Then they went out quickly into the corridor The noise was coming from the door of room number 13!

The landlord banged on the door and turned the handle The door was locked

“I’ll bring men to break the door down,” the landlord shouted and ran down the stairs

Jensen and Anderson stood outside number 13 The noise inside the room became louder and wilder

“I want to tell you something strange,” Jensen said to Anderson “My room has three windows in the day and only two at night Perhaps you think I am mad”

“Good Lord! My room is the same!” said Anderson “My room looks smaller at night than during the day”

The door of number 13 opened suddenly and an arm came out The arm was thin and covered in gray hairs The finger-nails were long and dirty

Anderson shouted and pulled Jensen away from the door The arm disappeared and the door closed The sound of mad laughter came from number 13

The landlord brought two men up the stairs The men had axes in their hands They swung their axes against the door of number 13

Suddenly the men cried out and dropped their axes They had hit a wall The door of number 13 had disappeared

In the morning, workmen pulled up the floor between rooms 12 and 14

Under the floor they found a box There were old papers inside the box Anderson thought that the papers belonged to Nicolas Francken---- the man who had disappeared in 1560

No one was able to read the writing on the papers It was in a strange language The writing was brown The ink looked old But Anderson did not think it was ink He thought the papers were written in blood

1题目：如果死后，在奈何桥看到孟婆，给你喝孟婆汤，你说什么？

A：不要让我忘掉亲人，好吗？

B：不要香菜和葱花，谢谢！

2

老师问小明：“有什么方法可以保护环境不再滥砍滥伐树木啊？”

小明答：“每天少发一张卷子，没有买卖就没有杀害。”

3

食堂的师傅估计是失恋了，因为我发现新更换的菜单别有一番风景：

销魂藕片、断肠人拍黄瓜、小胖拉皮、追忆扁豆、黯然豆腐丝、纯情木须肉。

4

我正在陪5岁的女儿下跳棋。手机响了，我一看号码，是朋友老侯打来的，就打招呼：“侯哥你好！”就和他热火朝天地聊了起来。

这时，女儿跑过来，用充满崇敬的目光盯着我，一言不发。

我和老侯聊完，放下电话问女儿：“你怎么了，为什么这样看我？”

女儿小声地问：“爸爸，你和孙悟空是怎样认识的？”

5

为什么我把手机调成飞行模式，扔下楼还是摔坏了？

答：因为手机接地的时候，你没有调整为降落模式。

6

机长讨好新来的空姐：“互相提问，你不会，你给我5美元；我不会，我给你100美元。”

空姐说：“行。”

机长问：“747的巡航速度是多少？”

空姐输5美元。

轮到空姐问：“3个眼睛，6个鼻子，9条腿还有尾巴的是什么？”

机长掏100美元给空姐。

机长不服气地追问：“答案到底是什么？”

空姐又掏5美元给机长。

7

今天和男朋友约会，他发短信给我：“我5分钟后到。如果没到，请再读一遍此短信……”

8

某理科生骂人：“你丫简直是X+2＞4的解集！”想了半天才想明白答案是“二到正无穷”

9一日,小真的妈妈看见小真的爸爸在翻箱倒柜地找东西，

就问小真：“你爸爸在找什么呢”

小真疑惑地说:“不知道,可能在找你,也可能在找奶奶。”

妈妈不解。

小真接着说:“因为他一边找一边说奶奶的,真他妈的不好找。”

10  IT人大家都懂的，天天加班，熬夜常态，更无双休可能。一个周末，大家一起忙了一上午，十一点多，某同事忽然起身，丢下一句话就冲出去了。他说：你们忙着，我出去结个婚就回来。。。

11一个年轻人坐在鸟巢门口，神情沮丧。

警察过来问：“没买到今天滚石三十年的票？”年轻人拿出两张票。警察惊讶地问他怎么不进去。

小伙子说：“我本来想约暗恋的女孩子一起，打电话给她。女孩子问是什么演唱会，结果我刚说了一个‘滚’字，手机就没电了？”

12老板问我：“这星期六你能来上班吗？我知道你周末很爱玩，但这边真的很需要你。”

“行啊没问题。不过你也知道的，周末公交这么差，估计得晚到一点儿。”

“嗯，那你说你什么时候能来呢？”

“周一。”

13

丈夫问：我要有外遇了怎么办？

妻子嫣然一笑：我很温柔，最多整残你，不会整死的！

丈夫感动地说：你真好！

妻子笑道：做不了夫妻，咱还可以做姐妹嘛！

14

某婚恋网站出了道测试题：如果一个穷小子冒充有钱人和你恋爱，被你发现后你会如何反应？90%的人选：坚决断绝关系，诚实是最重要的品质之一。

一个月后该网站又出一道题：如果一个有钱人冒充穷人和你恋爱，被你发现后你会如何反应？90%的人选：继续交往，我爱的是他的人，又不是他的钱。

15小明的爸爸昨天打了他两次。第一次，小明被爸爸看到他拿着一张试卷，上面只有20分。然后就痛扁了他，打完后小明爸爸才发现那张卷子是他自己小时侯的，于是又把小明狠狠揍了一顿……

16一天朋友去逛超市，就在他回家的路上遇到持刀抢劫，他淡定的望望那小伙子手上的小刀从包包里拿出刚买的42公分长的西瓜刀……

朋友说他至今未忘记那小伙子看见西瓜刀时的表情……

17某同学在一次考试中写到：千山万水总是情，给点分数行不行。

改卷老师看了当及回给他：人间自有情爱在，给个0分也是爱。

18寝室有一同学去厕所，玩手机不小心把手机掉下去了。

然后，就回去拿了双筷子准备夹出来。正当他要下筷子捞时，一哥们进了厕所。

看到此景，那人关心地问道：“哥们，还没吃啊“

19问：世界上最自欺欺人的事情是什么？

答：网站注册第一步，我已看过并同意接受以上条款。

20记得今年元宵节，有人发了一个图。

碗里面有六个汤圆，分别写着：发财、幸福、成功、如意、健康、快乐。

只可惜这么好的东西都泡汤了。

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