有关于程序员的笑话吗

和领导等众人喝酒，举起酒杯大声道:"让我们同归于尽吧!"当时脑子太热了

神经病院有一位老太太

每天都穿著黑色的衣服拿著黑色的雨伞

蹲在神经病院门口

医生就想:要医治她一定要从了解她开始

於是那位医生也穿黑色的衣服拿著黑色的雨伞和她一起蹲在那边

两人不言不语的蹲了一个月

那位老太太终於开口和医生说话了:

请问一下-------

你---也是香菇吗------

初中的时候，老师叫翻译Who is this man

一同学翻译：这是谁的男人？全班大笑，老师无语

林志颖说：“崇拜我的歌迷都说：偶的偶像叫颖”

刘德华说：“崇拜我的歌迷都说：偶的偶像叫华”

张学友说：“崇拜我的歌迷都说：偶的偶像叫友”

陈小春说：“你们聊，我先走了！”

一个人骑摩托车喜欢反穿衣服，就是把扣子在后面扣上，可以挡风。一天他酒后驾驶，翻了，一头栽在路旁。

警员赶到后

警员甲：好严重的车祸。

警员乙：是啊，脑袋都撞到后面去了。

警员甲：嗯，还有呼吸，我们帮他把头转回来吧。

警员乙：好一、二使劲，转回来了。

警员甲：嗯，没有呼吸了

有一个精神病人，在街上逮着一个路人，用q指着他脑袋问：“一加一等于几？”路人慎重的思考了很久说：“二！”病人迅速的开了q，一吹q烟道：“你知道的太多了，”

一日下午，觉得很困。于是到水房洗脸，刚进水房就看见我朋友猴子正跟一盆衣服进行猛烈的战斗。看他洗的那么认真，我打了声招呼，就在他左边的水龙头下开始洗脸了。

完事之后，我一抬头，靠！这家伙不知什么时候窜到我左边，洗起另一盆衣服了。当时真是佩服的五体投地，洗衣服都洗两盆！

我吃惊的看着他，刚想说话，他忽然转过头，哭丧着脸说：“刚才洗错衣服了！”

自习课，小娟不小心放了个屁。同学们都转过头来，这时暗恋她的阿天忙说：不好意思，是我放的。过了会儿，小娟忍不住又放了个，也在暗恋她的小杜忙替她辩护道：既然大家这么高兴，我也放个凑凑热闹。可是，过会儿小娟又放了个，这时有人问：这又是谁放的啊？同时也在暗恋她，而且更喜欢她的阿朋站起来说：是我放的。然后指着小娟道：她以后放的屁都归我啦！

、 地理教过，中国产煤最多的地方是辽宁省抚顺，产铁最多是辽宁省鞍山， 所以抚顺被称为中国的“煤都”，鞍山称为“铁都”。某次考试，试卷上：中国的煤都是(黑的)，中国的铁都是(硬的)。考完还说：老师怎么出那么简单的题目？

2、 一次语文考试的附加题，问普罗米修斯是什么文学作品里面的人物，一个同学填：哈里-波特。还有一次，问左忠毅公叫什么名字，一个同学写：左冷禅。

3、 一次政治时政题：我国的_____号考察船去北极考察。我的答案：泰坦尼克号。

4、 语文考试。解释“逝世”一词。我答：“去死”(本来想写“死去”)老师大怒……

5、 小学，一同学背诗，前面3句背得那么费劲。最后一句：“一行白鹭上西天。”全班晕！

6、 高一语文摸底考试，“何当共剪西窗烛”，填下句。我答：“夫妻对坐到天明”。正确答案：“却话巴山夜雨时”。

7、 一次语文考试，诗句填空是白居易的《题大林寺桃花》中的一句“_____，不知转入此中来”，正解应是“常恨春归无觅处”，我前排一个同学愣是填了“常恨村姑无觅处”。

8、 生物考试一填图题，问一个细胞图是什么生物的，正解是“母果蝇”，我班一人答：“女果蝇”。生物组老师开会研究N久，决定给0分。

9、 高中时候也是填诗词下句。上句是：“洛阳亲友如相问”；我一个同学填：“就说我在岳阳楼”。

10、 高中一次语文考试，也是填下一句：“蚍蜉撼大树，_____ ”。我有一同学填：一动也不动。很符合事实。

11、 高中时，生物考试，问：鸡的消化类型是什么型？我不会，答：鸡型！结果老师在全班点名批评！

12、 上句是：“西塞山前白鹭飞”，同学憋半天憋不出，于是瞎写：“东村河边黑龟爬”！

13、 高中语文考试，写古诗下句。上句是：“待到山花烂漫时”，我们班一人居然填了：我便奋力把花采。

14、 初中时考语文，题目问老舍先生的著名作品的名字。一同学想不起，我告诉他：茶馆。结果那位听成：茶壶盖。被老师痛骂！

15、 以前同学读课文，其中有一句：拿出芭蕉扇扇扇。本来停顿应该是拿出芭蕉扇，扇扇。那同学直接读成：拿出芭蕉，扇扇扇！

16、 初中的时候一次上课把窦娥冤的窦读成“卖”娥冤。全班爆笑我还不知道为什么！

17、 还有一次是数学考试，最后一道大题是两个解法判断哪个正确。我想了半天没想出来，顺便提了几个词：公说公有理！婆说婆有理！看看都没理！想想全有理……结果数学老师把我的解法整个年级她教的四个班都读一遍以后，我就闻名了！

18、 高中语文课正上的《咏梅》，早自习要求背诵。老师点人回答：“——她在丛中笑下面，XX回答！” XX正在吃东西，半天说不出话来，憋出一句“笑也不出声！”全班爆笑！

20、 考试写：“天生我才必有用”的下句。有位天才学生答：“老鼠儿子会打洞”。我们整办公室的语文老师集体毫无形象的狂笑！

21、英语考试： HOW ARE YOU？这么翻译？答案——怎么是你？ HOW OLD ARE YOU？怎么翻译？答案——怎么老是你？

22、 试题：如果一位中国学生在美国加州目睹了一起交通事故，来了以后问你知不知道事情的经过，应该怎么对他说？一个人回答：one car come one car go，two car peng peng，one car die。

23、A君在做语文试卷时，被一道填空题“《这里的黎明静悄悄》的作者是谁”难住。苦思良久，A君毅然在空栏上写着“霍利菲尔德”。

一旁的监考老师笑问：“怎么不写泰森呢？”

A君道：“他的名字太短了，不像！”

24、B君在作文中要描述一个人的外貌，遇一字不会，遂悄声问同桌：“一副眼镜的‘副’字怎么写？”

同桌告诉他：“就是一副跳棋的‘副’嘛。”

后老师批阅B君的作文，见上面写道：“他高高的鼻梁上架着一副跳棋。”

25、题目:长江后浪推前浪 _____

有位学生答:一代更比一代浪

1题目: 一边一边

小朋友: 他一边脱衣服,一边穿裤子

老师批语: 他到底是要脱啊还是要穿啊

2题目：其中 小朋友：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。

老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？

3题目：陆陆续续 小朋友：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。

老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？

4题目：难过 小朋友：我家门前有条水沟很难过。

老师批语：老师更难过

5题目：又 又

小朋友：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。

老师批语：你的妈妈 是变形金钢吗？

6题目:你看

小朋友:你看什么看!没看过啊

老师评语: 不要太拽了

7题目:欣欣向荣

小朋友写: 欣欣向荣荣告白

老师评语:连续剧不要看太多了!

8题目 : 好吃

小朋友写: 好吃个屁

老师:

9题目: 天真

小朋友写: 今天真热

老师评语: 你真天真

10题目: 果然

小朋友说: 昨天我吃水果然后喝凉水

老师评语:是词组,不能分开的

大二上FoxPro课时，一个老师开始点我们上课有多少人，

1，2，3，4，5，6，7，8，9，10，勾……（突然停住了）

我们的高中办主任又一次怒斥我们上课不好好听讲的时候说到：“你们以后再这样，就别怪我翻脸不是人了！”

英语老师教语法，下课前问大家：“我都讲完了，大家还有明白的么？”我们齐声答：“没有了！”

帮LP买WSJ，结果到商店看了半天也不知道买什么，于是就随便拿了一包问店主：“老板，这个好用不？”老板（男的）呆呆看了我5秒钟，说：“这个我也没用过！”

曾经有一段时间家里闹耗子，我妈就买了耗子药来维护家庭安宁，但是一个耗子都没药倒。一天大老早的，我妈起床看了看门旮旯里的耗子药，自语“这药怎么没有人吃啊？~~~”全家晕倒。。。

以前考试老师发卷子，后边的女生多拿了一张，高呼"老师，我有了，我有了"结果坐他旁边的男生说道"是我的，是我的"全班爆寒~~~

一不熟的同事和我聊天,聊的内容无聊至极,,净讲他和他女朋友怎么啦,怎么啦[

我无言以对,,,,待他讲了半天之后,看着我,,,,意思可能是,他说这么多,我总该表表态吧,,,,

一瞬间,,实在不知说什么,,脱口竟然问了一句:你女朋友是女的吧

自己暴寒半天!!!!

小蚊子哭着回家，妈妈问咋啦？小蚊：爸爸死啦！蚊妈妈：他没带你去看演出？小蚊子：看了，可观众一鼓掌，爸爸没躲开。

从前有一姑娘叫乔妮娜，她和一个叫沙德的相爱了，他们在一起看星星。当流星划过天空时，他们将这颗流星命名为：乔妮娜沙德星

法官：你为什么要印假钞？被告无辜地说：因为我不会印真钞。

今天去学校领毕业证，兴奋之余拉住一路过的哥们问：“哎，这学校叫什么来着？”

那哥们狠狠瞪了我一眼道：“我怎么知道，我才上大一！”

某兄喜欢吃鱼。 沃尔玛的鲈鱼9块一斤， 要是死了放冰上的就7块两条， 一样新鲜。某兄下班， 就赶紧跑去买，还是经常被人买走了， 某兄就站鱼缸前等啊， 有时候好半天都不死一条。 某兄就用网进去捞，用把手敲鱼的头。 服务员实在看不下去了， 过来跟该兄说： “先生，昏过去的不算……”

一对男女偷情，丈夫突然回家，男的没顾穿衣服就跳窗逃跑，走在大街上路人围观，男的装着若无其事看天：啊，这就是地球呀。路人说：cao，装鸡毛外星人。

夜,四人寝室一人睡着了, 还有三人在讨论追女孩子第1次怎么表白, 讨论得正热闹, 那个睡着的醒了: 啥也别说了,咱们睡觉吧

刚开学, 来了个新的英语老师, 他要求以后我们回答问题必需都英语回答 然后他开始点名:NO1 他喊 我们班1号就站了起来, 喊了声:到!那个老师说: Please in English!(请用英语回答) 我那同学挠了挠头, 憋了半天答了句： 导～～～（发第二音）

A:I'm sorry! B:I'm sorry,too A:I'm sorry three B:What are you sorry for A:I'm sorry five

——昨天坐公车的时候， 公车司机一直盯着我看， 就象我没买票似的。 ——那你怎么办？ ——很简单， 我也一直盯着他看， 就象我买了票似的

乌龟受伤让蜗牛去买药。过了2个小时蜗牛还没回来。乌龟急了骂道:他妈的再不回来老子就死了!这时门外传来了蜗牛的声音:你他妈再说老子不去了

1 英语笑话

英语笑话 急！求英语笑话带翻译的,三到五分钟,两个人对话的,初二水平,

1、周而复始老王在树下休息，老李走过来对他说：“嗨，为什么不去上山砍柴？” 老王说：“砍柴干什么？” 老李说：“好卖钱啊卖到钱就可以买驴，再沿家挨户卖柴挣了钱就再 买卡车，然后买木厂卖木 器，再买更多的卡车，那样就可以发大财了” 老王问：“发了财干什么？” 老李答：“发了财就可 以逍遥自在地享清福嘛” 老王说：“那你以为我现在在干什么？”1,round and roundLao wang rested under the tree,Lao li came up and said,"hey,why not go up the hill cutting wood" Pharaoh said:"cut wood stem what" Lao li said:"good money!Sold into money can buy a donkey,then along home door-to-door selling woodZheng money will buy trucks,and then buy wood factory sells wooden ware,buy more trucks,so that you can be really rich" The old king:"fortune"Lao li answer:"fortune can be to free and unfettered freely do well" Pharaoh said,"that you think I doing now"2、甲鱼风波甲鱼又叫团鱼或鳖，俗称王八味鲜美，价昂贵“吃的不买，买的不吃”，实乃高级礼品，公关丑 星某乡派数人携众鳖入城进贡因其重量不同，又须按“职”分配，为免差错计，故将官 号写于纸上，贴于鳖背……至机关干部住宅楼前，天已晚不料竹篓倾覆，众甲鱼乘暮色争相逃命，乡人一片 惊呼：“赵局长”跑啦！——那个块头最大的快抓住“钱处长”——小心它咬手那墙角里黑乎乎的，莫非是“孙科长”？“李秘书”个头小，爬得快，怕是找不到了2,turtle stormTurtle and call TuanYu or turtle,monly known as the tortoiseTaste delicious,the price is expensive"Eat not to buy,buy the do not eat",solid senior ts,pr ugly starsMouXiang sent several people join the turtle into town tributeBecause of its different weights,and must according to "responsibility" distribution,in order to avoid mistakes plan,therefore,JiangGuan written in paper,stick at turtle's back。

To government cadres residential against the building,it is lateBehold,all the turtle piggy overthrown by the dusk scramble to flee for life,XiangRen a exclaimed,"zhao chief" run!The bigger the biggest- Catch "money director" - be careful it bites the handThe corner of the mariposa rushed,murphy is "Samson section chief""Secretary li"'s aller,climb quickly,afraid that I can't find it3、迟了在地铁里，一位男子发现扒手正在掏他的钱包，便幽默地说：“老兄，你来晚了！我今天虽然领 了薪水，但我太太下手比你快 多了！”3,lateIn the subway,a man found pickpocket is cutting his wallet,and humorously said:"man,you came to night!I today although took salary,but my wife lay more quickly than you!"4、情书小伙子在给女朋友的信中写到：“爱你爱得如此之深，以至愿为你赴汤蹈火星期六如不下雨，我一定来4,love letterGuy in the letters to his girlfriend wrote:"love your love so much,that would like to give you go through hellOn Saturday as it does not rain,I'll e5、无理抱怨两个人一起吃饭，只有两条鱼，一大一小一位先把大 的吃了，另一位勃然大怒”多不合适！”他抱怨说”怎 么了？”另一位问”你吃掉了那条大的，如果我是你就不 会这样做””你会怎 样呢？””我当然是先吃小的”” 那好哇，你抱怨什么，那条小鱼不是还在那里吗！”5 and irrational plainTwo people eat together,only two fish,a great and a allA first big eat,another flew into a rage"Not more suitable!" He plains"How yao" Another asked"You ate that big,if I were you,I would not do so" "How would you like" "Of course I is first eat all" "That good,you plained,the fish is still there!"6、为您保密甲：”这件事我只告诉你一人，请你千万为我保密" 乙：”放心，不但我要为你保密，我还要告诉大家都来为你保密”6,for your confidentialA:"this matter I just tell you one person,you must the secret for me" B:"trust,not only I want secret for you,I will tell everybody to be secret for you"7、擦玻璃父亲走进儿子的房间，夸奖道：干得好，儿子！窗户又干净又明亮，你是用肥皂水擦的吗？儿子：没有，爸爸，我用的是锤子7,wipe glassFather entered the son's room,praise,way:well done,son!The window and clean and bright,you are using soap water wipeSon:no,dad,I am using a sledgehammer8、开学小学开学了，刚满6岁的冬冬不肯到学校上学妈妈向冬冬解释，小朋友满6岁就要去上学，一直到15岁最后冬冬终于在书桌前坐下来，满含热泪地问：等我15岁的时候，您会记得来接我吗？8,openingElementary school begins,just over 6 years old of winter winter will not e to schoolMother to dongdong explanation,children with 6 years old shall go to school,until 15 years oldLast winter winter finally before desk sat down and full of tears to ask:when I was 15,you will remember pick me up。

英语小笑话带翻译15至25字

He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny Johnny: He is ill in bed He hurt himself Tommy: That's too bad How did that happen Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。

他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan "Would you recognize him if you saw him again" asked his mother "I'd know him any where," said Ivan "I have his ear in my pocket" 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。

“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。

“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly "Here are two cents more But why are you so interested in the old woman" "She is the one who sells the candy" 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。

“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk" "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman！" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。

他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。”

“可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate The visitor iled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny Where did you find the cheese" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。

过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。

你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球， 一个老美看到就笑我说， "Do you know what does it mean It means All Day I Dream About Sex我整天都在想著 性， 缩写正好是 Adidas） " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快， 联想力这么丰富时，旁边的 一个老美帮我解围， 他说， 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn， 他们的招牌歌之一就是 ADIDAS, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢，这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔！ 下次就换你去取笑老美了 这些够吗？ 求你了给分吧。

英语笑话100篇+翻译

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这里的英语笑话都有译文！

A teacher said to her class:

"Who was the first man"

“George Washington," a little boy shouted promptly

"How do you make out that George Washington was the first man" asked the teacher, iling indulgently

"Because, " said the little boy, "he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen"

But at this point a larger boy held up his hand

"Well," said the teacher to him, "who do you think was the first man"

"I don't know what his name was," said the larger boy, "but I know it wasn't George Washington, ma'am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him"

有个老师问班上的学生：

“谁是第一个男人？”

“乔治·华盛顿，”一个小男孩当即叫道。

“你怎么知道乔治·华盛顿是第一个男人呢？”老师问道，宽容地微笑着。

小男孩说：“因为他是战时第一，和时第一，国人心中第一。”

这时一个大点儿的男孩举起手来。

“那么，”老师对他说，“你认为谁是第一个男人呢？”

“我不知道他的名字，”大点儿的男孩说，“但我知道不是乔治·华盛顿，老师。因为历史书上说，乔治·华盛顿取了一个寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男人。”

英语笑话短

1 Virtue Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a studentWhen the door finally opened, I felt a passionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun iling at me "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered "Perseverance is a virtue" 美 德 获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。

一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。

最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”

2 Difference"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon" But the graduate students just write it down" 区 别 “研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。

研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”3Too Long The travel editor of a newspaper called, saying she was finally using an article I had written several years earlier She wanted to be sure the tour information was still correct "I also wanted to make certain," she sheepishly confessed, "that you're still alive Whenever the writer has died, I know I've held a story too long" 太久 一家报纸的旅行版编辑打开电话，说她终于决定要采用一篇我几年前写的文章。

她想确定那旅游信息是否还可靠。“我还想确定，”她怯怯地坦白道：“您是否还健在。

每次发现作者已经不在人世了，我才知道我将文章压得太久了。”4Charge for Bread and Butter Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City When the bill arrived, there was a $150 charge for bread and butter Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal servicesSomeone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for We never ordered any legal services" Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter" The $150 was returned without delay面包和黄油费 几年前，我当律师的爸爸带我去纽约的一家高档餐馆。

帐单上来时，上面有15美元的面包和黄油费。爸爸付了帐，连同面包和黄油的收费一齐付了。

但是第二天，他给餐馆寄了一封信，说那项收费是没有道理的。随信还寄上了一张500美元的法律服务机构的收费单。

餐馆马上打来电话，问道：“这500美元的收费单是怎么回事？我们从来没有要什么法律机构的服务。” 爸爸答道，“我也从来没有要什么面包和黄油。”

那15美元立即就寄了回来。5 Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pillsSunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning""That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday？" 安眠药 鲍勃晚上失眠。

他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。

他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊！”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？” 英文谚语大全 cqwlzx/Article/ShowArticleArticleID=275 Each bird loves to hear himself sing 鸟儿都爱听自己唱歌。

Each day brings its own bread 天无绝人之路。Each man is the architect of his own fate 命运掌握在自己手中。

Eagles catch no flies 大人物不计较小事情。Eagles fly alone, but sheep flock together 鹰单飞，羊群集。

Early mistakes are the seeds of future trouble 早期的错误可以酿成日后的麻烦。Early sow, early mow 播种早的收获早。

Early start makes easy stages 早开始是成功的保证。Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy and wise 早睡早起，令人健康、富有而且聪明。

英文短笑话 最简单的 要短的 四年级

There is a family, is very rich One day, his son to go to school, mother asked her son, go out alone in our family was very rich, his son to keep in

Heart The Chinese class, the teacher asked the students to write an article about the family Son: my family is poor My mother is very poor, very poor, dad was very poor, my servant is poor, the gardener is poor, the driver is very poor, very poor。

有一户人家，很有钱。一天，儿子要去上学，妈妈叫 儿子，出去后别说咱们家很有钱，儿子牢记在

心。语文课上，老师叫同学们写一篇关于家庭的作文。 儿子写：我家很穷。我很穷，妈妈很穷，爸爸很穷，我家的仆人很穷，园丁很穷，司机很穷，保姆很穷。。

一个合格的程序员是不会写出 诸如 “摧毁地球” 这样的程序的，他们会写一个函数叫 “摧毁行星”而把地球当一个参数传进去。

Borland说我很有前途，Sun笑了；Sun说我很有钱，IBM笑了；IBM说我很专业，Sybase笑了；Sybase说我数据库很牛，Oracle笑了；Oracle说我是开放的，Linux笑了；Linux说我要打败Unix，微软笑了；微软说我的系统很稳定，我们都笑了。

一程序员告老还乡，想安度晚年，于是决定在书法上有所造诣。省略数字……，准备好文房4宝，挥起毛笔在白纸上郑重的写下：Hello World

一位程序员去海边游泳，由于水性不佳，游不回岸了，于是他挥着手臂，大声求救：“F1，F1！”

这个世界上只有10种人：懂得二进制的和不懂得二进制的。

真正的程序员喜欢兼卖爆米花，他们利用CPU散发出的热量做爆米花，可以根据米花爆裂的速度听出正在运行什么程序。

小沈阳版程序员~~~

程序员其实可痛苦的了需求一做一改，一个月就过去了；嚎~

需求再一改一调，一季度就过去了；嚎~

程序员最痛苦的事儿是啥，知道不？就是，程序没做完，需求又改了；

程序员最最痛苦的事儿是啥，知道不？ 就是，系统好不容易做完了，方案全改了；

程序员最最最痛苦的事儿是啥，知道不？ 就是，系统做完了，狗日的客户跑了；

程序员最最最最最痛苦的事儿是啥，知道不？ 就是，狗日的客户又回来了,程序给删没了！

程序员的祝福

祝大家在以后的日子里 男生象Oracle般健壮; 女生象win7般漂亮; 桃花运象IE中毒般频繁; 钱包如Gmail容量般壮大, 升职速度赶上微软打补丁 ， 追女朋友像木马一样猖獗， 生活像重装电脑后一样幸福， 写程序敲代码和聊天一样有。

从以下对白可见,未来天才程序员的思维模式!

某日,老师在课堂上想考考学生们的智商,就问一个男孩: “树上有十只鸟,开q打死一只,还剩几只”

男孩反问:“是无声手q，还是其他没有声音的q么”

“不是”

“q声有多大”

“80~100分贝”

“那就是说会震的耳朵疼”

“是”

“在这个城市里打鸟犯不犯法”

‘不犯”

“您确定那只鸟真的被打死啦”

“确定”老师已经不耐烦了,”拜托,你告诉我还剩几只就行了,OK”

“OK鸟里有没有聋子”

“没有”

“有没有鸟智力有问题，呆傻到听到q响不知道飞的？”

“没有，智商都在200以上！”

“有没有关在笼子里的”

“没有”

“边上还有没有其他的树,树上还有没有其他鸟”

“没有” “方圆十里呢” “就这么一棵树!”

“有没有残疾或饿的飞不动的鸟”

“没有,都身体倍棒”

“算不算怀孕肚子里的小鸟”

“都是公的”

“都不可能怀孕”

“………,决不可能”

“打鸟的人眼里有没有花保证是十只”

“没有花,就十只” 老师脑门上的汗已经流下来了,

下课铃响起,但男孩仍继续问:“有没有傻的不怕死的”

“都怕死”

“有没有因为情侣被打中,自己留下来的”

“笨蛋,之前不是说都是公的嘛!”

“可不可以啊!”

“…………,性取向都很正常!”

“会不会一q打死两只”

“不会”

“一q打死三只呢”

“不会”

“四只呢”

“更不会!”

“五只呢”

“绝对不会!!!”

“那六只总有可能吧”

“除非你他妈的是猪生的才有可能!一q只能打死一只！”

“…好吧,那么所有的鸟都可以自由活动么”

“完全可以”

“它们受到惊吓起飞时会不会惊慌失措而互相撞上”

“不会,每只鸟都装有卫星导航系统,而且可以自动飞行”

网“恩,如果您的回答没有骗人,”学生满怀信心的回答,“打死的鸟要是挂在树上没掉下来,那么就剩一只,如果掉下来,就一只不剩”

老师推推眼镜，强忍着要昏倒的感觉，颤抖地说道：“你可以去当程序员了……”

>

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins" The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins" After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets" Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers" Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2" Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons" All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong I work for 7up"!

四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎"男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理"过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎"男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了我是3M公司的董事"最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎"男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作"他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

____

Once two hunters went hunting in the forest One of them suddenly fell down by accident He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead" Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next"

两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声q响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

____

Time-Money

As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light, I asked the driver, "Do you agree that 'Time is money'"

"Well, it's a very common saying Who will care so much about that" the driver answered

"Look, the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped, "I pointed at the meter

"Oh, yes You've got a point here In this case, time is money for both of us" added the driver

Not every flower symbolize for love, but rose can do it; not every tree can stand thirst, but alamo can do it, not every pig can read short message, but you can do it Congratulations!

下面是我整理的经典英语冷笑话12篇，以供大家学习参考。

经典英语冷笑话：小心有狗!

As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of" he asked the owner "Yep, that's him," came the reply The stranger couldn't help but be amused "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me Why in the world would you post that sign" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。”

经典英语冷笑话：在天堂结婚

A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died Now they were in front of St Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married St Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer Around 30 days later St Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven The young lady then asks St Peter, “If things just don't work out can we get a divorce" St Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer!!"

一对年轻的夫妇在去结婚的路上出了车祸，双双死去了。于是，他们来到了圣徒彼得面前，妻子问是否她还可以和丈夫结婚，圣徒彼得告诉他们，关于这个问题他一有了结果就会回来找他们。差不多30天以后，圣徒彼得回来了，并且告诉他们可以在天堂结婚。妻子又问：“如果生活的不愉快，我们可不可以离婚呢”圣徒彼得看着她，回答说：“夫人，我花了30天才找到个传教士，难道你真的希望我再去找个律师吗”

经典英语冷笑话：点名

On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook" I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder The student in back of me whispered, "He's taking attendance"

大学的第一天，文学课我坐在了前排。教授告诉我们这学期必须得读五本书，他提供我们可供选择的作者名单。随后他缓步走上讲台，拿出课本，“贝克、布莱克、布鲁斯、卡特、库克…”为了写下所有的名字，我不得不疯狂的作着记录。这时有人轻轻的拍我肩膀，坐在我后面的学生悄悄告诉我：“他在点名呢。”

经典英语冷笑话：最希望得到的签名

Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma"

我们大学的校报开办了一个每周一问的专栏。上周的问题是：“你最想要什么人的签名为什么”和预计的一样，大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是，最优秀的答案来自一个一年级新生，他说：“在我 毕业 证上签字的那个人。”

经典英语冷笑话：动机

My English professor once launched into a lecture on "motivation" "What pushes you ahead" he asked "What is it that makes you go to school each day What driving force makes you strive to accomplish" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning" The student replied: "My mother"

我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走”他问道，“是什么让你每天上学来又是什么驱使你追求成功”冲着一个女学生，他问：“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢”学生答道：“我妈妈。”

经典英语冷笑话：班级、情人和蠢驴

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow" A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class" The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way

汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”擦掉，教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉，看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。

经典英语冷笑话：智力缺陷

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal" "Nothing is easier," he replied, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble If he hesitates, that puts you on the track" "Well, what sort of question" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them Which one' " Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you I must confess I don't know much about history"

“医生，你能不能告诉我，”鲍勃问，“对于一个看上去很正常的人，你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢”“再没有比这容易的了，”医生回答，“问他一个简单的问题，简单到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢”“嗯，你可以这样问，‘库克船长环球旅行了三次，但是在其中一次的途中他去世了，是哪一次呢’”鲍勃想了一会儿，紧张的回答道，“你就不能问另外一个问题吗坦率地说，我对历史了解的不是很多。”

经典英语冷笑话：开卷考试

On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif, we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam

我在加利福尼亚的圣玛丽亚市一所社区大学读书。期末考试那天，听说书店在回购我们的工商管理课本。考试前，我们几个赶忙跑到书店把书卖了，随后，我们坐在教室里等着考试。这时候教授宣布：考虑到试题的难度，今天的考试我们决定开卷。

经典英语冷笑话：机长的录音

This is your captain speaking On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses This is a recording

这是你们机长的声音。请允许我代表全体工作人员，欢迎你们乘坐英国航空公司602号航班从纽约飞往伦敦。我们此时在大西洋上空35,000英尺的高度。如果你从飞机的右边向窗外看去，你将会发现右侧的两个引擎都已经起火。如果你从左边往外看，你就会看到那边的机翼已经脱落了。如果你俯视下面的大西洋，那么你会看到一艘**的救生筏，上面有三个人正在朝你挥手。那是我、副驾驶员还有我们的一名女乘务员。这是一段录音。

经典英语冷笑话：无聊的课

One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau is known for his droll sense of humor Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at your watches during class I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they're running!"

在开普吉拉多市的东南密苏里州立大学上学的时候，我喜欢的几个老师之中有一个以他的幽默感而出名。给新生上头一节课，他给学生解释在他课上的纪律，他说：“我知道我的课经常会很枯燥乏味，所以我并不介意你们在课上看表。然而，我坚决不允许你们把表重重的摔在课桌上，以此来检查你的表是不是还在走。”

经典英语冷笑话：交通事故

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign And somebody was standing in front of the 'S'

有个人开车行驶在上班的路上，一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车，当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来，他就拼命的挣扎着，最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿，他平静了，别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎，他说：“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了，当我醒过来，我发现我躺在了路边，前面是一个巨大的 广告 牌上面闪烁着‘壳牌’，但是有个人挡住了那个“S。”

经典英语冷笑话：写给上帝的信

A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50 When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes

有个小男孩非常需要50美元，他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来，他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信，想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了，于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元，因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴，给上帝回了一封 感谢信 ，信里写道：尊敬的上帝，非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而，我发现这些钱是通过白宫寄出的，因此，和往常一样，那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。

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